peel away the layers my friend.

So I've come to the realization that I've changed.  Substantially since when I first started my blog.  I went from a young man with dreams and aspirations of creating grammatical gold to a battle hardened adult with more emotional instability then a day time talk show.  I've gone from writing about trivial things like popular articles of clothing to more serious things like how my heart feels.  I've said " I love you" and "I hate you" more times then I can remember.  Is this what adulthood was suppose to be like?  When I was a young man I was more confident and assured about my role in this world then I have ever been in the most recent minutes.  Every second that goes by is a second of uncertainty.  A second lost to mother time; who has never known the complications of bargaining for time lost and redeemed.  I pull and scramble for every moment in my life; ever memory, trying to remember the events as they flee from my mind like a swift wind blowing strongly to bring forth new comings.  I want to embrace all the new beginnings in my life but at the same time, I want to take note of all the moments of the past. Remember the times where my heart was broken and then rebuilt.   From the very beginning I knew my life would be that of complication.  An individual who know his self worth and understood what he was capable of.  I learned at an early age that I was a good looking young man,  one who could persuade those of the opposite sex to stray towards the direction that I wanted them to.  I learned quite early that the way I talked, dressed, and reacted would bring about an counter reaction from girls.  I was always a "lady's man" based on social norms.  Yet;  no matter how, I always wanted to be a "man with a lady".  I embraced the privileges of being able to "pull" multiple women, yet deep down I wanted to keep at least one of the casualties that I managed to corral.  I found girls in my life who I thought were the one.  Some of them turned out to be false promises and others turned out to be unattainable rewards.  Regardless, I can at least say I know what it is like to have love and to have lost.  From Kathleen, to Tiffany.  Each of whom I thought were the ones holding the keys to my everlasting happiness.  I've gone through the phases of loving and losing.  Each one of those names has handed me a taste of love as well as a taste of absolute despair.  I was so certain that I'd never allow myself to fall so hard and so fast.  Yet; here I a now, with this new girl.  This girl who at first seemed to solely be nothing short of obsessed with me.  Now, it seems as though she could care less about me.  What do I do now? All I've known is heartbreak, all I have known is the deceiving lies of relationships.  How am I to trust that this new and certainly uncertain thing is something worth investing in?  How can I safely say that all the pieces are in place and that everything will work out when I can even positively say if we will even end up together?   Oh how mysterious the times can be.  At the end of the day it truly is about the fear of change.  The fear of the future.  The uncertainty that grips everyone  True suspense, ultimate wonder, the most extreme bet every taken.  Love...pure love.