I'll wait

The hardest choice I'm ever going to do is to decide to wait. I'm not letting go. So I'll wait. A lot of people will call me crazy for waiting so long for a who broke my heart but i don't care. I know it's love, I felt something when I first saw her and I knew I had to have her. This is a reminder so that on the day I find you, the real you, I can look back at this and know I stood fast. Stood for love. Stood for you.

peel away the layers my friend.

So I've come to the realization that I've changed.  Substantially since when I first started my blog.  I went from a young man with dreams and aspirations of creating grammatical gold to a battle hardened adult with more emotional instability then a day time talk show.  I've gone from writing about trivial things like popular articles of clothing to more serious things like how my heart feels.  I've said " I love you" and "I hate you" more times then I can remember.  Is this what adulthood was suppose to be like?  When I was a young man I was more confident and assured about my role in this world then I have ever been in the most recent minutes.  Every second that goes by is a second of uncertainty.  A second lost to mother time; who has never known the complications of bargaining for time lost and redeemed.  I pull and scramble for every moment in my life; ever memory, trying to remember the events as they flee from my mind like a swift wind blowing strongly to bring forth new comings.  I want to embrace all the new beginnings in my life but at the same time, I want to take note of all the moments of the past. Remember the times where my heart was broken and then rebuilt.   From the very beginning I knew my life would be that of complication.  An individual who know his self worth and understood what he was capable of.  I learned at an early age that I was a good looking young man,  one who could persuade those of the opposite sex to stray towards the direction that I wanted them to.  I learned quite early that the way I talked, dressed, and reacted would bring about an counter reaction from girls.  I was always a "lady's man" based on social norms.  Yet;  no matter how, I always wanted to be a "man with a lady".  I embraced the privileges of being able to "pull" multiple women, yet deep down I wanted to keep at least one of the casualties that I managed to corral.  I found girls in my life who I thought were the one.  Some of them turned out to be false promises and others turned out to be unattainable rewards.  Regardless, I can at least say I know what it is like to have love and to have lost.  From Kathleen, to Tiffany.  Each of whom I thought were the ones holding the keys to my everlasting happiness.  I've gone through the phases of loving and losing.  Each one of those names has handed me a taste of love as well as a taste of absolute despair.  I was so certain that I'd never allow myself to fall so hard and so fast.  Yet; here I a now, with this new girl.  This girl who at first seemed to solely be nothing short of obsessed with me.  Now, it seems as though she could care less about me.  What do I do now? All I've known is heartbreak, all I have known is the deceiving lies of relationships.  How am I to trust that this new and certainly uncertain thing is something worth investing in?  How can I safely say that all the pieces are in place and that everything will work out when I can even positively say if we will even end up together?   Oh how mysterious the times can be.  At the end of the day it truly is about the fear of change.  The fear of the future.  The uncertainty that grips everyone  True suspense, ultimate wonder, the most extreme bet every taken.  Love...pure love.

The Black hole will consume you, if you allow it.

Patience is key; patience is a virtue.  Patience is something I have.  I can stand being alone.  Being alone isn't being lonely, though they seem to go hand in hand often times.  In my solitude I feel as though I can reflect on myself and rearrange the bricks to build a stronger foundation.  My most prolific thoughts come when I'm truly alone consumed by the darkness of the room.  It allows my imagination to wander, to build fantastic images in the dark that bring up the most beautiful of colors and scenes.
Patience is a key,  it can unlock a door to such amazing things.  A ticket to paradise,  a promise of greener lands, and brighter skies.  A key that everyone has; although, some choose not to use it and others simply choose to leave it at home.  I keep my key close to my heart in hopes that it will one day lead me to the door that will hold the grand prize.  I keep strong, keep looking,  remember to hold that key close; but like all beings of imperfection I have my moments of doubt.  The darkness that brings about my untapped imagination inevitably brings about the realization that I am truly alone.  The harsh thought of wandering alone in a corridor of locked doors never being able to find the gateway that only opens for my key hits me like a freight train with no brakes.  My upbeat step becomes a slow drudge.  My ever focused eyes become blurred.  Little by little I begin to fall behind; on life, on hope, on dreams.  The darkness consumes me.  The ringing of my ears is all I hear,  the heavy breathes I take are all I feel; so what's left?
All I have left is myself; my being.  I look inside,  focus on my key.  Then it happens;  like the flickers of a lantern, light begins to appear again and instantly a burst of colors fill my inner sight.  My imagination and thoughts begin to take shape,  only the most beautiful of colors embrace me.  I'm reminded that even the smallest of hope can explode to an infinite microcosm of inspiration.  The black hole that once tried to consume me fades in the distance.  I can open my eyes and finish my search.
Patience is a virtue.  It can be a breathe of fresh air,  a saving hand,  a kaleidoscope of colors,  but most importantly a little patience can bring about the promise of a beautiful life.
The black hole will always be there, trying to consume you; if you stop and let it,  but if you remember your key then there wont ever be a reason to stop.

♥
BL

Three Cheers for Three Years...almost...kinda...

It's been a long time since I've last felt the need and/or urge to spontaneously enter this domain of a blog again. Almost three years since my last post.  Almost.  I cant even begin to truly map out how I'd like to update this thing or what type of context I'll be putting in it. So much has happened in what seemed like a blink of an eye from my prospective (I know 2 years and some change is a long time in reality so fuck off!)  and I can't honestly say I'll remember to put everything up on here.  I know I meant to update this thing more regarding my whole "self-enlightenment" phase, but I kind of got over that real fast.  It was a fun experience but it wasn't me, which is not to say it is a load of shit; it just was not my cup of spiritual tea.  It did open my eyes in a way to the type of person I am in the sense that I have a better understanding of what types of things truly interest me and what type of things don't.

Fuck, it's 0234am and i work in 3 hrs.  I'll update this more tomorrow, or whenever I feel like it.

DJE(dream journal entry) #1

This is my very first entry in the dream journal I've decide to keep.  If you don't know what I'am doing or why I'am doing this read my previous entry titled Dream On. I won't usually add a little pretext like this, but since this is my first entry in a long line of entries I figured I should add a little explanation.  When I write these I plan to go straight into it.  I will be writing very informally and more then likely I wont pay any attention to punctuation(not that I really do now.) I plan on writing these as soon as I wake up so I still have the dream fresh in mind. Now without further a do.

so i had a dream that i was spiderman but in an underground series of tunnels and these bad guys were chasing me.  i remember dispatching them one by one until i reach a dead end full of 5 or 6 bad guys.  i fought them all until i realize that the bad guys who were very 3 stooges-like kept getting up.  they seemed to be unbeatable.  so i decide to climb the wall until i come to an opening in the ceiling.  i climb out and then im in a completely different scene.  im myself again, in the rain, with my brother ajel.  im at a funeral but i don't know whose.  i see familiar faces like my mother's and father's.  im mad at my mom for some reason, i dont know why.  i get to the casket and its an old man, supposedly its a relative of mine and the reason im mad is because my mom sent me and ajel away and the elderly man who passed away was the one who took us up.  I begin to cry and say things like " you were the only one that cared when no one wanted us" I begin to yell in anger and ajel is telling me to shut up.  I realize im being disrespectful and stop.  the scene again changes and now im in what appears to be my dorm room here on base but in someone's house.  its the elderly man's house.  me, ajel and my uncle are sitting on my bed and my mom comes in. she hugs us and we all cry.  i say im sorry and then i wake up.

After having this dream or should I say series of "mini-dreams" I tried to analyse it to the best of my ability.  From what I can tell, the dream of me being Spiderman was me running from something while dealing with it slowing and in small increments.  This then leads to the inevitable face to face encounter in which I try to face it but realize I don't have neither the strength or technique to defeat this adversary.  Maybe it symbolizes putting more on your plate then you can handle.  Lately I have been trying to juggle a lot more things.  Then the most peculiar dream is this funeral.  I figured it had something to do with my grandfather Juan Vergara Sr.  When he passed I couldn't cry for some reason.  Maybe it was the mind numbing fact that he was really gone that dammed up all my emotions.  All i know was that in my dream I'm an emotional mess.  The mess I deeply longed to be in my heart when he passed.  Then this issue with my mom. I guess it was the years of clashing with my parents as a teen that decided to reincarnate itself in my dreams again.  As if to say, "hey remember when you use to feel this way, you rebel jerk you."   

Dream on.

Recently I've been getting really into the study of lucid dreaming and astral projection, things of that nature.  It's very intriguing and from what I've read quite positive for bettering your life's path.  For those that don't know, lucid dreaming is the ability to realize you are dreaming and actually take control of all aspects of the dream.  This entails where you are in your dream, who you are with, what you are doing and what ever else you can possibly muster up.  Astral projection is the ability to recognize "self" and move from a physical state to a spiritual state.  This means your physical body is at rest but your concious mind allows you to leave your body in a the form of a "spiritual self" and venture into the world of astral plane.  I'm sure that some people reading this will think the notion a bit crazy or dangerous but I've done some research and will continue to do research on ways to ensure you stay in complete control as well as ways to protect yourself from what may be lurking in the abyss.  Some ways to truly better your experience that I just so happened to stumble upon are:
1.) Raising your Vibration Level

        - Vibration Level is the vibration or "aura" that you give off.  Beings of Highest level are considered enlightened.  These are the people you want to surround yourself with, they in turn will not only bring your vibration level up but also give you knowledge.  Beings of low vibration level are evil entities, from what I read its rare to encounter them unless your level is on the same frequency.  So essentially just keep joy, happiness and light in your heart.

2.) Meditation
          - Meditating is the ultimate preparation for any spiritual adventurer.  It not only calms you but will help bring you to a state of deep peace which in turn will help the cross over to the dream state.  Proper and daily meditation are key in having lucid dreams or astral projection.

3.)Dream Journals
           - For beginners or those that don't have a strong dream recall a dream journals is definitely a must!  It is a good way to start recalling dreams and a good way help in learning to understand your dreams thusly leading to the ability to control them.

There are more methods and tips but these there were the most common ones throughout all the accounts of reading.  Daily meditation, maintaining a high positive vibration level, and a dream journal are 3 good ways to start if you plan on experiencing a more hands on dream.

**DISCLAIMER**
Now I've decided to keep my dream journal on here.  I'll record my most vivid and memorable dreams on here until I can bring my mental capacity to recall dreams into a high state.  Just be warned my dreams are a bit odd and sometimes just down right weird.

We're not so different you and I, right?

Breathe. Just breathe. It's that simple. When times get hard just tell yourself to breathe, and you'll see how much easier it is to think. I hate letting stress get to me. I hate forgetting to stay calm and acting based on rationality rather then emotion.