It's Empty...Til we meet again.

For the longest time I've had my unrivaled ego to fall back to. A safety blanket to catch me when I've fallen well below my predicted status of "greatness". I've always believed there was something better. I look back and read through these blogs and all I see is a man filled with heartache and pain. I wrote about happiness and despair with no conviction. Here was a person attempting to fill this empty space with words that he thought meant something and at the same time enforcing restraints to save face, but in the end it was a fight with no pulled punches. I ended up allowing all my unfiltered emotion to flow from my heart on to this screen. This will be my last passage until I feel my heart plays to a new beat, one of joy and happiness. Truly something worth sharing to the world, instead of this sadness that infects so many like a virus with no cure. So for my last blog, I want to address the girl for which many of my blogs have spawned from and then I want to leave it at that. Of course I will acknowledge my readers as well.

Dear Jamie,
**EDIT** so i wrote this whole thing about how someday karma will catch up to you and you'll feel the pain of heartbreak, but; I change my mind. I don't want to waste that much space on you. I'll just say Goodbye

Now to my readers,
Thanks for reading and keeping up with my random blogs. I know most of the time my writings have been deep and depressing but I think I have a few good ones in there right?!


here's some Aventura!

Sometimes the joke's on me.

It's funny how you can be on top of the world and in one instant lose everything. I had it, I had you. Where did it go wrong? Was it me? I can't stop hurting. As cliche as it sounds, I'm fighting a losing battle. All that progress, all the steps leading to my reformation, I was going through love rehab. and doing so well, then; in an instant all my progress was blown away with one gust of wind. Maybe it's me, I don't think I'm allowing myself to truly move on. I mean I say I'll move on and I go into stubborn mode whenever I get the urge to contact you, but look at me now. I'm sitting here throwing another blog in the infinite mass of blogs dedicated to you. It's not helping that for the last 2 days I've done nothing but listen to songs that only remind me of you but what the fuck can I do?! My mind and body are over you but my heart won't allow me to let you go. I thought hooking up with random girls would help but it only reminds me more of why you're the only one for me. I keep my ego on a monumental level to help me but it's really not working. I say things like "I can get so much better", "she's really not hot", and "she has no boobs what so ever". Yet; it only momentarily eases the throbbing pain of the heart cause in the end, I truly loved you. I don't want better because there isn't better. You're what's best for me. I could care less about your physical traits, I can't believe I'm even saying that! Me, of all people! I would have never in a million years thought I fall for a girl like you but here I am, whining like a bitch. That's it, I can't move on cause I don't think I truly want to. I find myself writing about how I want to move on and then in the next 2 sentences write about how I know you're the one for me. What the fuck am I going to do?! John is so hopeless!

I feel kind of sad, but definitely in a good way?!

I did it. I had my first test of will today. She did her usual "I'm going to talk to him today so it looks like I care." Asking for my number cause her phone erased all the memory. Then she goes on to talk as if nothing was wrong, as if she didn't just tear my heart to pieces with no remorse. I let her know though, I stated my opinion and said good-bye. It's was saddening and painfully hard to just let her go, but; it's necessary and I know I needed to eventually cross this bridge. The pain will only bring about strength I knew I had. I'll forget you. You'll never be anything more to me then a figment.


I'm happy.

SWEEP THE LEG!!! AGAIN!

soo i kind of realized that lately most of my posts have been...so.... melancholy?! Okay, we'll go with that. I decided I'd stray away from that tone for a minute and talk about random shit today! So it's Sunday, I just got home from eating out with the family and I had the most baller(i can't believe baller is used as an adjective now!?) Udon noodles ever. For those that don't know what Udon is, it's basically a flour noodle thats cooked in a broth and paired with meat. That shit was gooder then a mafucka!(im going to be typing very casually cause im too lazy to type proper.) I've come to realize that mexican chefs are some of the most unappreciated, underrated and overlooked cooks out there. Those dudes can cook! I remember at one point I kind of wanted to do culinary arts, but then i realized i was way too fucking impatient!

hmmmmmm.... on another note..

Im going to buy a new pair of shoes! What a surprise right?! talking about shoes again. Well u know what, that's what I want to talk about!! bruh!!
So what shoe you might ask?! well of course Nike.
Im getting the Nike Air Pegasus +27. They sell them at my job n they're last years color skew but that works perfectly for me since they're air force colors. As far as running shoes goes, they're not bad for neutral runners and they're very comfortable throw around shoes for when you want to just go get groceries or some shit.

Enough is enough I do believe..

For those that never accept last place, for the guys that never learned how to say the words "I quit", or "it's out of my league". For the ones that selflessly sacrifice ever moral fiber of their existence to obtain success. I proudly present to you the newest member of this small percentage of true believers and "doomed from the get-go" individuals. His name is John, and he no longer wishes to sit on the sidelines believing that waiting for the love of his life will bring him..the love of his life! I know most people write things like this saying "I'll never give up hope" or "I'll love until I can't love anymore.", but; fuck that! I quit at being naive, at believing she'll care for me. Fellow readers, imagine this. You give a significant opposite everything you've got and in the end she not only denies you but labels you a ghost, ignores you as if there was never anything between you at all. Now most people would think I was proclaiming my devote faith in love and that I wouldn't be quitting on trying to gain her love back. NO! complete opposite. This is the last time I say I'll quit and this is me quitting on trying, simply because I die inside every time I notice you not notice me. I can't live that life anymore. So now I say this for the last time, "I quit" and from now on, I'll make sure I mean it. No more forgetting about you and then jumping back into your radar the minute you manipulate me back into your life. I'll promise myself that I'll never quit on quitting you. I'll forge a cage around my heart so tough you'll never be able to reach me. I'll drain myself emotionally and re-hydrate from neutral waters until I'm completely rid of all feelings for you. You'll be a ghost, an after-imagine. Just a figment with no face, one that can no longer torment me. You never realized how much you hurt me. While you lived your life in the shadow of a kind, soft spoken girl there was a heart bleeding out from the wounds you inflicted and not once did you bother to care. So many sleepless nights, I died a thousand times and came back to a heartache worse then death.

I can't wait to get out of this town. Away from you..from everything.