Last isn't always that bad..

Sometimes it's not about winning the race, sometimes it's more about just being in it, in the thick of it all instead of in the sidelines watching. So much has been presented to me. My mind seems to be overflowing, a plethora of information and emotion. There are so many things going on in my life right now and I'm so happy to be overwhelmed. I work constantly but the job is cake, I fucking sell shoes. Come on, that's like allowing cookie monster to work at Mrs. Fields! For the first time in a long time I'm sticking to my goal. Fearless with anything I do, limitless in what I choose to do, and honest in how I feel. No more riding shotgun, I'm controlling how and where my life goes. I might not end up reaching the "standardized" idea of what's considered "social norm" as quick as everyone else my age but thats fine. Let everyone else claw their way to any old profession, let everyone else sit on the sidelines while their lives follow a pre-destined path. As for me, I'm doing what I want and it's been amazing. I'm straying away from having to constantly compete with the world and I'm moving towards being content with where I am now; because I know I'll move forward. Progression is a part of life so I don't need to worry, I should just enjoy "now". I know my future is bright, whatever it may be. There's no way it can be anything other then amazing, I won't allow any less and the changes I make now are definitely going to help kick start "John's Bad Ass Life".

((((((((((((())))))))))))))))(SIDENOTE)(((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))
She's been on my mind a lot lately. I'm going to pursue her.

its a little harder then just your average six step.

dusting off the deezy chucks and getting back into my bboy shit!

what ever happened to the future?

its really funny how at one point in my life whenever i thought about the future i didnt think about a specific job, or a specific place. I didnt even think about me performing a specific task. I remember back to a time, when all i thought about was walking down the isle, with you. There were no people, there was no place, there weren't even doors that we came from. It was just a vast sea of white and us. John __ and Kath____ V_____ (come on, im not gonna post all the nitty gritty out there like that). At the time I couldnt understand why thats all i thought about, or even why our wedding seemed so bland...monotone..white. Now that i think about it though, maybe thats how its suppose to be. Just two people, walking hand in hand towards destiny, each other. The world around them didn't exist, because they existed inside each other, for each other.

Actually, i guess you could say i did think of a specific job, my job, or what it would say on my business card would be: professional aficionado of all things kathy. The specific place would be: deep in the most inner chamber of her sacred heart, and what tasks would i have to perform you ask? well, my only task would be to love you forever.

man, if i could just turn half the sappy, cheesy stuff i write into a book...i'd probably make bank! im sure there are other hopeless romantics out there just waiting to read how they feel on a book published by someone else. right?

I still believe in first love, which means i still believe in you.

a long time ago i promised i'd always love you.
a long time ago you promised you'd always love me.
a long time ago we were just young kids stuck in a never ending text message conversation.
it might have been a long time ago, but for my heart those moments never seem that far away.

i remember walking a mile in the middle of the cold night, just to see you.
i remember making fun of your socks, and your billabong hoodie.
i remember how you stood me up on the first date we never had.
there are so many random things about us that i remember, and i wouldn't have had it any other way.

so here's to heaven.
here's to "i love you" a million times.
here's to breaking up over Romeo + Juliet.
here's to getting back together through email a few hours after breaking up over Romeo + Juliet.
here's to never having that first date, and not needing it...

Here's to feeling your love, without ever touching your hand. I know we were miles away, but at one point our souls found a way to each other. We managed to form a bond, of love, of friendship. Truly my first love, the only one for me. The that won't get away. After all these years, you've never missed a birthday. No matter how much distance came between us or the new flings in our lives, we always managed to still feel that spark for each other.

I'll love you always.

Keep your head up kid, things will get better..

Ive always considered myself an individual that acts before calculating the factors of a situation. When asked whether i was the jumper or the pilot flying the plane my usual answer without hesitation would be jumper. I like to think im a free spirit, a pseudo-renaissance man of sorts. An open minded individual, fearless in what i do, ready to attack anything bringing me injustice. No words too harsh, no obstacle too hard and certainly no girl too unreachable. The world is my clay, ready for me to mold any which way i see it fit and the possibilities are endless. I wanted to catch lightning in a bottle, to write inspiring words that moved hearts, yet; somehow it seems like ive reached a wall. A giant brick wall layered in cement, reinforced with steel, and fitted with level to drone guns...whatever those are. Why? Why can't i seem to figure out what's wrong with me? Why does life seem so bland, so unfunny..


I can't seem to get past the rigmarole of sorting out all this emotion. I know everyone has these moments of insatiable boredom, and im no different, but; usually ill have my moment and then go do something that will completely whip the meloncholy away from my slate. Now though, I cant seem to find that "thing", no matter what i do, im still bored. With life, with people, with everything! I tried being more open, not that i wasn't already upfront to begin with,i tried changing my look by getting a mohawk, i even tried doing something i've never done before (stand-up comedy) and yet nothing has satisfied me. I haven't felt this way in a long time, not since Van and I parted ways.

fuck man....maybe im just bugging out, im sure something great is coming. You can't be this far down and not have something spectacular pull u right back up. I mean after all, i believe life goes in a pattern of ups and downs. Your only brought down so that you can have a reason to be brought up.

ITS SO HOT!! MILK WAS A BAD CHOICE!

its 5 in the morning...i just woke up...my room was freezing from the AC at night but somewhere along the line it just got super hot so now im sweating like a fat kid. somebody's a playin dem tricks, i reckon!

((()))((()))SIDENOTE((()))((()))
This is what i drank last nite.





+






yea it was a bad idea...my mouth was burning for literally the whole night!

ok im going to try n go back 2 sleep, or at least lay around until i get bored and come back to the interwebzz.


stay classy-

PPPEEEEPPPS!!

just bought 8 boxes of Peeps. time to get on that fatty status :D

List:
2 boxes Pink bird peeps
2 boxes yellow rabbit Peeps
2 boxes purple bird peeps
2 boxes yellow bird peeps (classic, a must!)


ohh hey here's some music to get fat to!


HAPPY EASTER!!!!

Church isn't what it use to be..

just got home from church, man its not what it use to be. Maybe its just because im in north carolina. I remember being a kid in jersey n i use to enjoy going to church. Everything seemed more welcoming, the church was nicer, bigger, and the community as far as the people attending were definitely a lot more willing to embrace. Now when i go to church here, i end up just leaving early. the services are dull and nothing about what the priest says captivates me anymore. Then i have to see punkass Marvo and all those other two-faced hypocrites that use church as a front. I know im not a good guy, i know im a sinner, i know sometimes when i do bad things i have the logic to stop and i dont, but; at least i admit it, at least i know where i stand. I dont do fucked up shit and then do that whole god camp bullshit. I dont pretend to be all holy, because im not. I have my beliefs and my understanding of god and his word. I know as long as i have that, im ok, because if i can live with it then i know god must be ok with it as well. Fucking Marvo and all those other douche bags though, they make me sick. Maybe thats why i cant stand being in church anymore, i always see one of them and i just come to the realization that for some people church has become just a facade. They go just for the sake of going, so people will see them and say "wow, look at that marvin, he's such a good kid." Then once they leave they go back to their sinful ways, thinking "its ok cause i went to church."

man i cant wait to get out of north carolina, this place is stripping me away of all the traits that made me awesome.

o0 well, im gone by next year.

until then, FUCK MARVO!

-stay classy guys

Rednecks are shifty as hell

ok so i just got back from a party in sanford....wat the fuckkkk?! why are rednecks so grimey?! seriously world, i need to know. well i hope your comfortable, cuz a john story is coming up.

sanford nico extended an invited to go to this kid's going away party tonight. I of course went, met up with sanford nico, phil, hash, n louis. We chilled for a bit, n then headed out. Got to the party, it was actually pretty sickkk. Man those girls down in the middle of nowhere loves guys like me apparently all they have down in the boonies are rednecks, wiggers, and dirty ass black dudes. Ok so i meet a few girls and its looking like a good night, i definitely had all the intentions of banging it out with u brooke (not that ull ever see this tho!).
THEN out of no where a parade of hillbilly rednecks show up, like literally these kids were so backwoods it wasnt even funny. One guy had on nothing but overalls n boots! ok soo fuckin we're like watever we'll let these kids do their thing. The girls were kinda creeped out by them too so they stayed with us. I guess after awhile the hillbillies realized the girls werent into missing teeth and stories of tractors so they decided they'd talk shit and make fun of us "city boys"; even tho i was the only person from a city at the party!

ok so long story short, a huge fucking brawl broke out. Huge as in, almost the whole party. everyone made it out ok tho, except hash.....but ill give it 2 him tho, he's a champ, he decked the biggest redneck there.....but then got thrown through a glass window. So yeaa.. we heard the word "gun" n decided this wasnt a party we wanted to see through to the end.

anyway, aside from the cut on my elbow im actually more pissed that i had 2 drive all the way back to durham!!

yea so how was your night?



**SIDENOTE**
o0o yea on a super secret side note... i stole one of the rednecks car keys n threw it in the woods

DAM! talk about snake in the grass

dam man, some people are so shifty sometimes!

here i was feeling so good after my morning shpeel and then i actually meet up with said person for tacos and i find out she's talking to 3 other guys?!?! how can a human being be so ok with contorting other peoples emotions?! like my previous post before, if fate can be manipulated its definitely bullshit!! im such an idiot for thinking you were something amazing. you're just a lowly person and what's worse is you know you can cause misery to people willing to make you priority one, yet; ur completely content with being triflin! i genuinely thought u were something more, i wanted to make you my world, but a world with you is not a world i want to live in. So, you suck, fuck you, and i hope you get gangbanged by 6 big black guys.

***SIDENOTE**

on a good note, i found my copy of Voices of a Distant Star and its reminded me of my love for Makoto Shinkai's work. Ive got some catching up to do, apparently he's had a few things come out since Voices.

Ok im serious this time...

ok i really did meet a girl this time. I know most of you are thinking, "here's another John story" well...FUCK YOU! its gonna be another john story, but a good one! just like all my other ones.. :)

No but seriously, have you ever had one of those moments where you meet someone, assume they're of the common populace..and then.. BAM! your hit with a ton of bricks, this person who you assumed was so common was in fact 1 in a million, and not only that. SHE WAS YOUR NUMBER 1 IN A MILLION!!! it only took a few small instances; a joke here, a conversation there, maybe even an exchange of smiles from time to time; but thats all i needed, i always thought that the way people interact during those small moments of insignificances are what truly expose a person. When you're just conversing, plain and simple. Not "spittin game" or whatever it is these young kids call it today, but just talking; not even realizing your becoming a part of something bigger. My heart's pounding just typing, and im smiling so hard now that i realize how much i truly want to make her smile. If i could just do that for a living, things would be perfect.

Well loyal fans, now that you know the good news. Here's me being a debbie downer...kinda...

Im not gonna pursue it. She's talking to someone at the moment, and i cant take away something so amazing from someone else. I have no idea who she is talking to, but if she has an interest in him; then he must be a good guy and i cant deny someone the opportunity to find true happiness. She embodies happiness, and where ever she goes flowers will grow and the sun will shine. :)

Its ok tho, thats life! Maybe one year she'll be with someone, and the next year ill be someone and so on and so forth; but someday things will be just rite and that perfect moment will be worth waiting a million years for.<- (i stole this from the office, but kinda changed the words up btwclick me to check it out!)

so...to the beautiful girl that will one day be the love of my life, I hope i see you soon :)


stay classy-