I'll wait

The hardest choice I'm ever going to do is to decide to wait. I'm not letting go. So I'll wait. A lot of people will call me crazy for waiting so long for a who broke my heart but i don't care. I know it's love, I felt something when I first saw her and I knew I had to have her. This is a reminder so that on the day I find you, the real you, I can look back at this and know I stood fast. Stood for love. Stood for you.

peel away the layers my friend.

So I've come to the realization that I've changed.  Substantially since when I first started my blog.  I went from a young man with dreams and aspirations of creating grammatical gold to a battle hardened adult with more emotional instability then a day time talk show.  I've gone from writing about trivial things like popular articles of clothing to more serious things like how my heart feels.  I've said " I love you" and "I hate you" more times then I can remember.  Is this what adulthood was suppose to be like?  When I was a young man I was more confident and assured about my role in this world then I have ever been in the most recent minutes.  Every second that goes by is a second of uncertainty.  A second lost to mother time; who has never known the complications of bargaining for time lost and redeemed.  I pull and scramble for every moment in my life; ever memory, trying to remember the events as they flee from my mind like a swift wind blowing strongly to bring forth new comings.  I want to embrace all the new beginnings in my life but at the same time, I want to take note of all the moments of the past. Remember the times where my heart was broken and then rebuilt.   From the very beginning I knew my life would be that of complication.  An individual who know his self worth and understood what he was capable of.  I learned at an early age that I was a good looking young man,  one who could persuade those of the opposite sex to stray towards the direction that I wanted them to.  I learned quite early that the way I talked, dressed, and reacted would bring about an counter reaction from girls.  I was always a "lady's man" based on social norms.  Yet;  no matter how, I always wanted to be a "man with a lady".  I embraced the privileges of being able to "pull" multiple women, yet deep down I wanted to keep at least one of the casualties that I managed to corral.  I found girls in my life who I thought were the one.  Some of them turned out to be false promises and others turned out to be unattainable rewards.  Regardless, I can at least say I know what it is like to have love and to have lost.  From Kathleen, to Tiffany.  Each of whom I thought were the ones holding the keys to my everlasting happiness.  I've gone through the phases of loving and losing.  Each one of those names has handed me a taste of love as well as a taste of absolute despair.  I was so certain that I'd never allow myself to fall so hard and so fast.  Yet; here I a now, with this new girl.  This girl who at first seemed to solely be nothing short of obsessed with me.  Now, it seems as though she could care less about me.  What do I do now? All I've known is heartbreak, all I have known is the deceiving lies of relationships.  How am I to trust that this new and certainly uncertain thing is something worth investing in?  How can I safely say that all the pieces are in place and that everything will work out when I can even positively say if we will even end up together?   Oh how mysterious the times can be.  At the end of the day it truly is about the fear of change.  The fear of the future.  The uncertainty that grips everyone  True suspense, ultimate wonder, the most extreme bet every taken.  Love...pure love.

The Black hole will consume you, if you allow it.

Patience is key; patience is a virtue.  Patience is something I have.  I can stand being alone.  Being alone isn't being lonely, though they seem to go hand in hand often times.  In my solitude I feel as though I can reflect on myself and rearrange the bricks to build a stronger foundation.  My most prolific thoughts come when I'm truly alone consumed by the darkness of the room.  It allows my imagination to wander, to build fantastic images in the dark that bring up the most beautiful of colors and scenes.
Patience is a key,  it can unlock a door to such amazing things.  A ticket to paradise,  a promise of greener lands, and brighter skies.  A key that everyone has; although, some choose not to use it and others simply choose to leave it at home.  I keep my key close to my heart in hopes that it will one day lead me to the door that will hold the grand prize.  I keep strong, keep looking,  remember to hold that key close; but like all beings of imperfection I have my moments of doubt.  The darkness that brings about my untapped imagination inevitably brings about the realization that I am truly alone.  The harsh thought of wandering alone in a corridor of locked doors never being able to find the gateway that only opens for my key hits me like a freight train with no brakes.  My upbeat step becomes a slow drudge.  My ever focused eyes become blurred.  Little by little I begin to fall behind; on life, on hope, on dreams.  The darkness consumes me.  The ringing of my ears is all I hear,  the heavy breathes I take are all I feel; so what's left?
All I have left is myself; my being.  I look inside,  focus on my key.  Then it happens;  like the flickers of a lantern, light begins to appear again and instantly a burst of colors fill my inner sight.  My imagination and thoughts begin to take shape,  only the most beautiful of colors embrace me.  I'm reminded that even the smallest of hope can explode to an infinite microcosm of inspiration.  The black hole that once tried to consume me fades in the distance.  I can open my eyes and finish my search.
Patience is a virtue.  It can be a breathe of fresh air,  a saving hand,  a kaleidoscope of colors,  but most importantly a little patience can bring about the promise of a beautiful life.
The black hole will always be there, trying to consume you; if you stop and let it,  but if you remember your key then there wont ever be a reason to stop.

♥
BL

Three Cheers for Three Years...almost...kinda...

It's been a long time since I've last felt the need and/or urge to spontaneously enter this domain of a blog again. Almost three years since my last post.  Almost.  I cant even begin to truly map out how I'd like to update this thing or what type of context I'll be putting in it. So much has happened in what seemed like a blink of an eye from my prospective (I know 2 years and some change is a long time in reality so fuck off!)  and I can't honestly say I'll remember to put everything up on here.  I know I meant to update this thing more regarding my whole "self-enlightenment" phase, but I kind of got over that real fast.  It was a fun experience but it wasn't me, which is not to say it is a load of shit; it just was not my cup of spiritual tea.  It did open my eyes in a way to the type of person I am in the sense that I have a better understanding of what types of things truly interest me and what type of things don't.

Fuck, it's 0234am and i work in 3 hrs.  I'll update this more tomorrow, or whenever I feel like it.

DJE(dream journal entry) #1

This is my very first entry in the dream journal I've decide to keep.  If you don't know what I'am doing or why I'am doing this read my previous entry titled Dream On. I won't usually add a little pretext like this, but since this is my first entry in a long line of entries I figured I should add a little explanation.  When I write these I plan to go straight into it.  I will be writing very informally and more then likely I wont pay any attention to punctuation(not that I really do now.) I plan on writing these as soon as I wake up so I still have the dream fresh in mind. Now without further a do.

so i had a dream that i was spiderman but in an underground series of tunnels and these bad guys were chasing me.  i remember dispatching them one by one until i reach a dead end full of 5 or 6 bad guys.  i fought them all until i realize that the bad guys who were very 3 stooges-like kept getting up.  they seemed to be unbeatable.  so i decide to climb the wall until i come to an opening in the ceiling.  i climb out and then im in a completely different scene.  im myself again, in the rain, with my brother ajel.  im at a funeral but i don't know whose.  i see familiar faces like my mother's and father's.  im mad at my mom for some reason, i dont know why.  i get to the casket and its an old man, supposedly its a relative of mine and the reason im mad is because my mom sent me and ajel away and the elderly man who passed away was the one who took us up.  I begin to cry and say things like " you were the only one that cared when no one wanted us" I begin to yell in anger and ajel is telling me to shut up.  I realize im being disrespectful and stop.  the scene again changes and now im in what appears to be my dorm room here on base but in someone's house.  its the elderly man's house.  me, ajel and my uncle are sitting on my bed and my mom comes in. she hugs us and we all cry.  i say im sorry and then i wake up.

After having this dream or should I say series of "mini-dreams" I tried to analyse it to the best of my ability.  From what I can tell, the dream of me being Spiderman was me running from something while dealing with it slowing and in small increments.  This then leads to the inevitable face to face encounter in which I try to face it but realize I don't have neither the strength or technique to defeat this adversary.  Maybe it symbolizes putting more on your plate then you can handle.  Lately I have been trying to juggle a lot more things.  Then the most peculiar dream is this funeral.  I figured it had something to do with my grandfather Juan Vergara Sr.  When he passed I couldn't cry for some reason.  Maybe it was the mind numbing fact that he was really gone that dammed up all my emotions.  All i know was that in my dream I'm an emotional mess.  The mess I deeply longed to be in my heart when he passed.  Then this issue with my mom. I guess it was the years of clashing with my parents as a teen that decided to reincarnate itself in my dreams again.  As if to say, "hey remember when you use to feel this way, you rebel jerk you."   

Dream on.

Recently I've been getting really into the study of lucid dreaming and astral projection, things of that nature.  It's very intriguing and from what I've read quite positive for bettering your life's path.  For those that don't know, lucid dreaming is the ability to realize you are dreaming and actually take control of all aspects of the dream.  This entails where you are in your dream, who you are with, what you are doing and what ever else you can possibly muster up.  Astral projection is the ability to recognize "self" and move from a physical state to a spiritual state.  This means your physical body is at rest but your concious mind allows you to leave your body in a the form of a "spiritual self" and venture into the world of astral plane.  I'm sure that some people reading this will think the notion a bit crazy or dangerous but I've done some research and will continue to do research on ways to ensure you stay in complete control as well as ways to protect yourself from what may be lurking in the abyss.  Some ways to truly better your experience that I just so happened to stumble upon are:
1.) Raising your Vibration Level

        - Vibration Level is the vibration or "aura" that you give off.  Beings of Highest level are considered enlightened.  These are the people you want to surround yourself with, they in turn will not only bring your vibration level up but also give you knowledge.  Beings of low vibration level are evil entities, from what I read its rare to encounter them unless your level is on the same frequency.  So essentially just keep joy, happiness and light in your heart.

2.) Meditation
          - Meditating is the ultimate preparation for any spiritual adventurer.  It not only calms you but will help bring you to a state of deep peace which in turn will help the cross over to the dream state.  Proper and daily meditation are key in having lucid dreams or astral projection.

3.)Dream Journals
           - For beginners or those that don't have a strong dream recall a dream journals is definitely a must!  It is a good way to start recalling dreams and a good way help in learning to understand your dreams thusly leading to the ability to control them.

There are more methods and tips but these there were the most common ones throughout all the accounts of reading.  Daily meditation, maintaining a high positive vibration level, and a dream journal are 3 good ways to start if you plan on experiencing a more hands on dream.

**DISCLAIMER**
Now I've decided to keep my dream journal on here.  I'll record my most vivid and memorable dreams on here until I can bring my mental capacity to recall dreams into a high state.  Just be warned my dreams are a bit odd and sometimes just down right weird.

We're not so different you and I, right?

Breathe. Just breathe. It's that simple. When times get hard just tell yourself to breathe, and you'll see how much easier it is to think. I hate letting stress get to me. I hate forgetting to stay calm and acting based on rationality rather then emotion.

that moment when you realize you've jumped the shark after jumping the shark four times already.

It has come to my attention that I write a lot of sappy things. Shame on hopeless romantic ole' me. My page has gotten very repetitive and that is exactly what I have feared. I look back at older posts and it seems as though my main goal was to use this as an outlet to talk about things that fancied my interest or nudged my mind. Somewhere along the line it then became a hole where I felt the need to bury the my unstable emotional life and complain like a whiny bitch about girls that I really had no business caring about. Then again, maybe this was the purpose of my page, after all; there are a million blogs talking about all the latest hype. Perhaps in the end I involuntarily wanted a place where I could vent my emotions and free the feelings trapped within the dwellings of my heart. oh fuck it all! I don't care what I post on here. In the end this is mine, all mine. whether people read this or not means nothing to me. I don't need to give advice to the masses or feel as though I should portray a certain image to the world. Screw you society for making me feel like I should have put other stuff on here!

Staff Sergeant Dream Girl

I was going to put this in the update blog im working on but fuck it, this is worthy of having a separate post. So there was this reservist Ssgt(staff sergeant) that's been in the shop for a few days and she was a very pretty girl but of course me being the gentlemen that I am decided to keep things professional. I would say hi, and talk to her only when I needed to. After all it's not like work is a walk in the park. So I was out with some friends 2 nights ago and who do we see?! Ssgt Beautiful. They sit next to us and I meet her, we hit it off instantly. We drink and dance, but I'm a dumb ass who likes to get a little too drunk so i didn't REALLY get to know her. I see her the next day and it's back to being professional again which was ok with me, although; I'm not going to lie I was very attracted to her. I come to find out that this girl was like my dream girl. I legitimately believe God sent her down her for me. We have so much in common, her interests are essentially my interests, she's amazingly beautiful, and we're the same age doing the same job in the same Air Force. I truly fell in love, I've found my one and only. Now the joke in all of this, she leaves tomorrow. The reservists were only here partially and I met her two days before she leaves New Jersey. Perfect. My heart is pounding and I can't seem to stop smiling much less stop fidgeting. I've already planned out how I'm going to make this work. I'll try until I fail because I don't think I've ever felt more sure about anything in my life in a long time. The last sure thing was joining the Air Force. I have not felt like this since Vanessa. I just wish I didn't get so drunk and not get her number.

I'll follow my heart and I pray it leads me in the path of happiness. Truth be told I'm terrified and I haven't been terrified to talk to a female in a long time.

Wish me Luck.

Being blind and being stupid are completely different.

Some girls are really dumb. No correction, a batch of human beings are really dumb. You would think that we as creatures of emotion would flee from mistakes that hurt us, instead some people dive head-first into the same old shenanigans. To speak more informally for a moment.
You know what the problem with you is? You're the kind of girl that when she meets a guy, any guy she goes all crazy. You blow up your facebook(namedrop how lame) wall with how the stars are in your heart or some shit and how you had to fight so hard to get to this moment. Bitch shut the fuck! That's why you get hurt all the time, you meet someone and then fall so in love like this motherfucker just proposed to you or some shit. Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit! You're also the biggest hypocrite in the world, one minute you give your life to religion and it's made you a stronger person then the next minute your back to trying to get a train run on you by 10 black guys. RUBBISH!! I call rubbish! No one should ever take you seriously. Actually, I dont think anyone takes you seriously anyway. Thats probably why you have to resort to dating kids. KIDS! Motherfucking guys that are 6 years younger then you or some creep shit. You're going to try and lecture me about my lifestyle and how I need to find God then turn around and tell me you quit your job cause you were having sex with your boss everyday, then tell me your dating 2 guys at the same time. Not that I believed you, but I highly doubt it. I've seen your track record and your small time. {Now don't get me wrong, I in no shape or form condone a promiscuous lifestyle nor do I wish to portray the image that I'm some sort of spokesperson for the players club, but don't come preaching to the choir unless you actually got a pair of chops to back it up.} where was i? Oh thats right. I feel bad for you but at the same time fuck it. It's like watching a train wreck. You want to do something but at the same time it's a train wreck that shit would be crazy to see. I'm going to write on here in maybe a month. No, I'm giving you too much credit. I'll write on here in 2 weeks when you realize "Mr. Perfect 15yr old" wasn't your "Mr. Perfect". Then you go all over facebook(name drop again.Lame.) and write a new status every 2 minutes like anyone cares. "Not in the mood. Phone's off for tonight" bitch no one texts you anyway! I'm done for now.


UPDATE: 1 week. 1 week and you've already given up on love. Oh how i love being right.

It's Empty...Til we meet again.

For the longest time I've had my unrivaled ego to fall back to. A safety blanket to catch me when I've fallen well below my predicted status of "greatness". I've always believed there was something better. I look back and read through these blogs and all I see is a man filled with heartache and pain. I wrote about happiness and despair with no conviction. Here was a person attempting to fill this empty space with words that he thought meant something and at the same time enforcing restraints to save face, but in the end it was a fight with no pulled punches. I ended up allowing all my unfiltered emotion to flow from my heart on to this screen. This will be my last passage until I feel my heart plays to a new beat, one of joy and happiness. Truly something worth sharing to the world, instead of this sadness that infects so many like a virus with no cure. So for my last blog, I want to address the girl for which many of my blogs have spawned from and then I want to leave it at that. Of course I will acknowledge my readers as well.

Dear Jamie,
**EDIT** so i wrote this whole thing about how someday karma will catch up to you and you'll feel the pain of heartbreak, but; I change my mind. I don't want to waste that much space on you. I'll just say Goodbye

Now to my readers,
Thanks for reading and keeping up with my random blogs. I know most of the time my writings have been deep and depressing but I think I have a few good ones in there right?!


here's some Aventura!

Sometimes the joke's on me.

It's funny how you can be on top of the world and in one instant lose everything. I had it, I had you. Where did it go wrong? Was it me? I can't stop hurting. As cliche as it sounds, I'm fighting a losing battle. All that progress, all the steps leading to my reformation, I was going through love rehab. and doing so well, then; in an instant all my progress was blown away with one gust of wind. Maybe it's me, I don't think I'm allowing myself to truly move on. I mean I say I'll move on and I go into stubborn mode whenever I get the urge to contact you, but look at me now. I'm sitting here throwing another blog in the infinite mass of blogs dedicated to you. It's not helping that for the last 2 days I've done nothing but listen to songs that only remind me of you but what the fuck can I do?! My mind and body are over you but my heart won't allow me to let you go. I thought hooking up with random girls would help but it only reminds me more of why you're the only one for me. I keep my ego on a monumental level to help me but it's really not working. I say things like "I can get so much better", "she's really not hot", and "she has no boobs what so ever". Yet; it only momentarily eases the throbbing pain of the heart cause in the end, I truly loved you. I don't want better because there isn't better. You're what's best for me. I could care less about your physical traits, I can't believe I'm even saying that! Me, of all people! I would have never in a million years thought I fall for a girl like you but here I am, whining like a bitch. That's it, I can't move on cause I don't think I truly want to. I find myself writing about how I want to move on and then in the next 2 sentences write about how I know you're the one for me. What the fuck am I going to do?! John is so hopeless!

I feel kind of sad, but definitely in a good way?!

I did it. I had my first test of will today. She did her usual "I'm going to talk to him today so it looks like I care." Asking for my number cause her phone erased all the memory. Then she goes on to talk as if nothing was wrong, as if she didn't just tear my heart to pieces with no remorse. I let her know though, I stated my opinion and said good-bye. It's was saddening and painfully hard to just let her go, but; it's necessary and I know I needed to eventually cross this bridge. The pain will only bring about strength I knew I had. I'll forget you. You'll never be anything more to me then a figment.


I'm happy.

SWEEP THE LEG!!! AGAIN!

soo i kind of realized that lately most of my posts have been...so.... melancholy?! Okay, we'll go with that. I decided I'd stray away from that tone for a minute and talk about random shit today! So it's Sunday, I just got home from eating out with the family and I had the most baller(i can't believe baller is used as an adjective now!?) Udon noodles ever. For those that don't know what Udon is, it's basically a flour noodle thats cooked in a broth and paired with meat. That shit was gooder then a mafucka!(im going to be typing very casually cause im too lazy to type proper.) I've come to realize that mexican chefs are some of the most unappreciated, underrated and overlooked cooks out there. Those dudes can cook! I remember at one point I kind of wanted to do culinary arts, but then i realized i was way too fucking impatient!

hmmmmmm.... on another note..

Im going to buy a new pair of shoes! What a surprise right?! talking about shoes again. Well u know what, that's what I want to talk about!! bruh!!
So what shoe you might ask?! well of course Nike.
Im getting the Nike Air Pegasus +27. They sell them at my job n they're last years color skew but that works perfectly for me since they're air force colors. As far as running shoes goes, they're not bad for neutral runners and they're very comfortable throw around shoes for when you want to just go get groceries or some shit.

Enough is enough I do believe..

For those that never accept last place, for the guys that never learned how to say the words "I quit", or "it's out of my league". For the ones that selflessly sacrifice ever moral fiber of their existence to obtain success. I proudly present to you the newest member of this small percentage of true believers and "doomed from the get-go" individuals. His name is John, and he no longer wishes to sit on the sidelines believing that waiting for the love of his life will bring him..the love of his life! I know most people write things like this saying "I'll never give up hope" or "I'll love until I can't love anymore.", but; fuck that! I quit at being naive, at believing she'll care for me. Fellow readers, imagine this. You give a significant opposite everything you've got and in the end she not only denies you but labels you a ghost, ignores you as if there was never anything between you at all. Now most people would think I was proclaiming my devote faith in love and that I wouldn't be quitting on trying to gain her love back. NO! complete opposite. This is the last time I say I'll quit and this is me quitting on trying, simply because I die inside every time I notice you not notice me. I can't live that life anymore. So now I say this for the last time, "I quit" and from now on, I'll make sure I mean it. No more forgetting about you and then jumping back into your radar the minute you manipulate me back into your life. I'll promise myself that I'll never quit on quitting you. I'll forge a cage around my heart so tough you'll never be able to reach me. I'll drain myself emotionally and re-hydrate from neutral waters until I'm completely rid of all feelings for you. You'll be a ghost, an after-imagine. Just a figment with no face, one that can no longer torment me. You never realized how much you hurt me. While you lived your life in the shadow of a kind, soft spoken girl there was a heart bleeding out from the wounds you inflicted and not once did you bother to care. So many sleepless nights, I died a thousand times and came back to a heartache worse then death.

I can't wait to get out of this town. Away from you..from everything.

Racing to Lose...?

No matter how hard you try or how much denial you place yourself in, it always seems to catch up. You put everything in swimming through the endless sea of everyday endeavor. Ride the wave of time until you think you're where/who you want to be; then it comes. Like a Jamaican track star it races past everything you've worked hard to build and with it a syringe, filled to the top with a shot of reality. I'm talking about life. Life catches up with all of us and in the end we're left floating. Drifting, not knowing where to go or what may become of us. Everyone goes through that point and for some it may be a passing after-thought, fleeing just ask quickly as it came; but for others, it could seem like an eternity. I know most of my blogs are random things, but I felt compelled to write this after reading a dear friend's blog. Ms. Thurayya if you're reading this, which I doubt you ever will :P. You'll be okay, we all go through that period in our lives where we come to some realization. I've gone through it. Look at the random shifts I've made, from being a nursing student to joining the police academy to joining the air force. No one knows what kind of person they'll grow into and everyone wants to live a fulfilling life but the thing is, genuinely good people will remain good people. Live with passion, be fearless and never be afraid of anything, especially yourself.
Adulthood is scary, but it's a good wake-up call in some sense. I urge you to embrace it, don't allow the fear of change a chance to distort your visions on life. Grasp every moment you can and learn from it, drink from the cup of knowledge until it runs dry. You'll eventually learn that it isn't life that's catching up to you, but you learning to take hold of it. That's what it means to live a fulfilling life. To have complete control, to be completely satisfied. That's growing up in my book, shedding away from all the plasticity and being yourself.


fuck, I'm ranting again...

I'll end this blog with a a quote from one of my favorite movies starring one of my favorite actors.

"Life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. But rather, it's a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan"

And this breeze brings new promises...

the summer air filling my lungs seems to have brought with it a new sense of vitality. I can't help but smile as the summer sun shines on my face, after all; the summer sun was always my first true love and although we've parted ways many times I knew she'd always come back to me. This summer wind brings with it a glimpse of my future. A summer romance, something "ACTUALLY WORTH DRAINING MYSELF PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY". I know I'm always on here blabbering about love and all that cheesy stuff; but it's the time of fireflies, giant moons so close to the ground you could almost reach for it, and of course magic. Well, at least that's always what I thought of when I thought of summer growing up. Shit, i still think of summer as a time where anything can happen; where the rigmaroles of growing up didn't matter. There is no way in hell that I am the only one that thinks this though! Everyone gets a certain feeling whenever summer comes around the bend. Regardless of age. The over worked employer, the puffy cheeked grammar school student, and even librarians all get a certain feeling in their gut. Everything from the smell of barbecues and chlorine saturated pool water to the noise of the crickets and cicadas bring new hopes.

this is going to be a memorable summer and i can't wait until your back here, back with me..

Because I'll never have to worry about being alone.

I know i should be updating my philippines trip blog, but i dont feel like it! ill probably update that later, but right now i was kind of inspired by a certain lady to write something. Sooo update!

hmm, not really much, I've just been working a lot and buying random sneakers that I don't really need. Life's a breeze when you just sit back and let it unfold.

On another note, Ive realized how fortunate i am to have such close friends. I realized that a good amount of people can't truly say they have a true inner circle of friends. I've learned so much about myself from my friends. They've helped me grow and overcome problems within. I've learned to become much more thick skinned yet respectful and level-headed just from being around my friends. In short, they're great people, and I'm thankful they're there for me.


super side note, Ive been listening to this band Angus and Julia Stone a lot lately. they're really good.

Philippines bound!

Im heading back to the motherlands for the summer! ill fill you in later, im too excited to type

Talk about bad luck.

Have you ever met someone and instantly knew you wanted to spend the rest of you're life with them? Well I've met that girl, unfortunately; she left my life just as quickly as she entered.

So in other words.... SHITS WEAK!!!!


(()))SIDENOTE(()))
I ordered the stone/aqua 6.0 Oncore highs and the SB Omar Salazar purple midcuts. I think I'm spending too much money.