It's Empty...Til we meet again.

For the longest time I've had my unrivaled ego to fall back to. A safety blanket to catch me when I've fallen well below my predicted status of "greatness". I've always believed there was something better. I look back and read through these blogs and all I see is a man filled with heartache and pain. I wrote about happiness and despair with no conviction. Here was a person attempting to fill this empty space with words that he thought meant something and at the same time enforcing restraints to save face, but in the end it was a fight with no pulled punches. I ended up allowing all my unfiltered emotion to flow from my heart on to this screen. This will be my last passage until I feel my heart plays to a new beat, one of joy and happiness. Truly something worth sharing to the world, instead of this sadness that infects so many like a virus with no cure. So for my last blog, I want to address the girl for which many of my blogs have spawned from and then I want to leave it at that. Of course I will acknowledge my readers as well.

Dear Jamie,
**EDIT** so i wrote this whole thing about how someday karma will catch up to you and you'll feel the pain of heartbreak, but; I change my mind. I don't want to waste that much space on you. I'll just say Goodbye

Now to my readers,
Thanks for reading and keeping up with my random blogs. I know most of the time my writings have been deep and depressing but I think I have a few good ones in there right?!


here's some Aventura!

Sometimes the joke's on me.

It's funny how you can be on top of the world and in one instant lose everything. I had it, I had you. Where did it go wrong? Was it me? I can't stop hurting. As cliche as it sounds, I'm fighting a losing battle. All that progress, all the steps leading to my reformation, I was going through love rehab. and doing so well, then; in an instant all my progress was blown away with one gust of wind. Maybe it's me, I don't think I'm allowing myself to truly move on. I mean I say I'll move on and I go into stubborn mode whenever I get the urge to contact you, but look at me now. I'm sitting here throwing another blog in the infinite mass of blogs dedicated to you. It's not helping that for the last 2 days I've done nothing but listen to songs that only remind me of you but what the fuck can I do?! My mind and body are over you but my heart won't allow me to let you go. I thought hooking up with random girls would help but it only reminds me more of why you're the only one for me. I keep my ego on a monumental level to help me but it's really not working. I say things like "I can get so much better", "she's really not hot", and "she has no boobs what so ever". Yet; it only momentarily eases the throbbing pain of the heart cause in the end, I truly loved you. I don't want better because there isn't better. You're what's best for me. I could care less about your physical traits, I can't believe I'm even saying that! Me, of all people! I would have never in a million years thought I fall for a girl like you but here I am, whining like a bitch. That's it, I can't move on cause I don't think I truly want to. I find myself writing about how I want to move on and then in the next 2 sentences write about how I know you're the one for me. What the fuck am I going to do?! John is so hopeless!

I feel kind of sad, but definitely in a good way?!

I did it. I had my first test of will today. She did her usual "I'm going to talk to him today so it looks like I care." Asking for my number cause her phone erased all the memory. Then she goes on to talk as if nothing was wrong, as if she didn't just tear my heart to pieces with no remorse. I let her know though, I stated my opinion and said good-bye. It's was saddening and painfully hard to just let her go, but; it's necessary and I know I needed to eventually cross this bridge. The pain will only bring about strength I knew I had. I'll forget you. You'll never be anything more to me then a figment.


I'm happy.

SWEEP THE LEG!!! AGAIN!

soo i kind of realized that lately most of my posts have been...so.... melancholy?! Okay, we'll go with that. I decided I'd stray away from that tone for a minute and talk about random shit today! So it's Sunday, I just got home from eating out with the family and I had the most baller(i can't believe baller is used as an adjective now!?) Udon noodles ever. For those that don't know what Udon is, it's basically a flour noodle thats cooked in a broth and paired with meat. That shit was gooder then a mafucka!(im going to be typing very casually cause im too lazy to type proper.) I've come to realize that mexican chefs are some of the most unappreciated, underrated and overlooked cooks out there. Those dudes can cook! I remember at one point I kind of wanted to do culinary arts, but then i realized i was way too fucking impatient!

hmmmmmm.... on another note..

Im going to buy a new pair of shoes! What a surprise right?! talking about shoes again. Well u know what, that's what I want to talk about!! bruh!!
So what shoe you might ask?! well of course Nike.
Im getting the Nike Air Pegasus +27. They sell them at my job n they're last years color skew but that works perfectly for me since they're air force colors. As far as running shoes goes, they're not bad for neutral runners and they're very comfortable throw around shoes for when you want to just go get groceries or some shit.

Enough is enough I do believe..

For those that never accept last place, for the guys that never learned how to say the words "I quit", or "it's out of my league". For the ones that selflessly sacrifice ever moral fiber of their existence to obtain success. I proudly present to you the newest member of this small percentage of true believers and "doomed from the get-go" individuals. His name is John, and he no longer wishes to sit on the sidelines believing that waiting for the love of his life will bring him..the love of his life! I know most people write things like this saying "I'll never give up hope" or "I'll love until I can't love anymore.", but; fuck that! I quit at being naive, at believing she'll care for me. Fellow readers, imagine this. You give a significant opposite everything you've got and in the end she not only denies you but labels you a ghost, ignores you as if there was never anything between you at all. Now most people would think I was proclaiming my devote faith in love and that I wouldn't be quitting on trying to gain her love back. NO! complete opposite. This is the last time I say I'll quit and this is me quitting on trying, simply because I die inside every time I notice you not notice me. I can't live that life anymore. So now I say this for the last time, "I quit" and from now on, I'll make sure I mean it. No more forgetting about you and then jumping back into your radar the minute you manipulate me back into your life. I'll promise myself that I'll never quit on quitting you. I'll forge a cage around my heart so tough you'll never be able to reach me. I'll drain myself emotionally and re-hydrate from neutral waters until I'm completely rid of all feelings for you. You'll be a ghost, an after-imagine. Just a figment with no face, one that can no longer torment me. You never realized how much you hurt me. While you lived your life in the shadow of a kind, soft spoken girl there was a heart bleeding out from the wounds you inflicted and not once did you bother to care. So many sleepless nights, I died a thousand times and came back to a heartache worse then death.

I can't wait to get out of this town. Away from you..from everything.

Racing to Lose...?

No matter how hard you try or how much denial you place yourself in, it always seems to catch up. You put everything in swimming through the endless sea of everyday endeavor. Ride the wave of time until you think you're where/who you want to be; then it comes. Like a Jamaican track star it races past everything you've worked hard to build and with it a syringe, filled to the top with a shot of reality. I'm talking about life. Life catches up with all of us and in the end we're left floating. Drifting, not knowing where to go or what may become of us. Everyone goes through that point and for some it may be a passing after-thought, fleeing just ask quickly as it came; but for others, it could seem like an eternity. I know most of my blogs are random things, but I felt compelled to write this after reading a dear friend's blog. Ms. Thurayya if you're reading this, which I doubt you ever will :P. You'll be okay, we all go through that period in our lives where we come to some realization. I've gone through it. Look at the random shifts I've made, from being a nursing student to joining the police academy to joining the air force. No one knows what kind of person they'll grow into and everyone wants to live a fulfilling life but the thing is, genuinely good people will remain good people. Live with passion, be fearless and never be afraid of anything, especially yourself.
Adulthood is scary, but it's a good wake-up call in some sense. I urge you to embrace it, don't allow the fear of change a chance to distort your visions on life. Grasp every moment you can and learn from it, drink from the cup of knowledge until it runs dry. You'll eventually learn that it isn't life that's catching up to you, but you learning to take hold of it. That's what it means to live a fulfilling life. To have complete control, to be completely satisfied. That's growing up in my book, shedding away from all the plasticity and being yourself.


fuck, I'm ranting again...

I'll end this blog with a a quote from one of my favorite movies starring one of my favorite actors.

"Life is not merely a series of meaningless accidents or coincidences. But rather, it's a tapestry of events that culminate in an exquisite, sublime plan"

And this breeze brings new promises...

the summer air filling my lungs seems to have brought with it a new sense of vitality. I can't help but smile as the summer sun shines on my face, after all; the summer sun was always my first true love and although we've parted ways many times I knew she'd always come back to me. This summer wind brings with it a glimpse of my future. A summer romance, something "ACTUALLY WORTH DRAINING MYSELF PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY". I know I'm always on here blabbering about love and all that cheesy stuff; but it's the time of fireflies, giant moons so close to the ground you could almost reach for it, and of course magic. Well, at least that's always what I thought of when I thought of summer growing up. Shit, i still think of summer as a time where anything can happen; where the rigmaroles of growing up didn't matter. There is no way in hell that I am the only one that thinks this though! Everyone gets a certain feeling whenever summer comes around the bend. Regardless of age. The over worked employer, the puffy cheeked grammar school student, and even librarians all get a certain feeling in their gut. Everything from the smell of barbecues and chlorine saturated pool water to the noise of the crickets and cicadas bring new hopes.

this is going to be a memorable summer and i can't wait until your back here, back with me..

Because I'll never have to worry about being alone.

I know i should be updating my philippines trip blog, but i dont feel like it! ill probably update that later, but right now i was kind of inspired by a certain lady to write something. Sooo update!

hmm, not really much, I've just been working a lot and buying random sneakers that I don't really need. Life's a breeze when you just sit back and let it unfold.

On another note, Ive realized how fortunate i am to have such close friends. I realized that a good amount of people can't truly say they have a true inner circle of friends. I've learned so much about myself from my friends. They've helped me grow and overcome problems within. I've learned to become much more thick skinned yet respectful and level-headed just from being around my friends. In short, they're great people, and I'm thankful they're there for me.


super side note, Ive been listening to this band Angus and Julia Stone a lot lately. they're really good.

Philippines bound!

Im heading back to the motherlands for the summer! ill fill you in later, im too excited to type

Talk about bad luck.

Have you ever met someone and instantly knew you wanted to spend the rest of you're life with them? Well I've met that girl, unfortunately; she left my life just as quickly as she entered.

So in other words.... SHITS WEAK!!!!


(()))SIDENOTE(()))
I ordered the stone/aqua 6.0 Oncore highs and the SB Omar Salazar purple midcuts. I think I'm spending too much money.

Last isn't always that bad..

Sometimes it's not about winning the race, sometimes it's more about just being in it, in the thick of it all instead of in the sidelines watching. So much has been presented to me. My mind seems to be overflowing, a plethora of information and emotion. There are so many things going on in my life right now and I'm so happy to be overwhelmed. I work constantly but the job is cake, I fucking sell shoes. Come on, that's like allowing cookie monster to work at Mrs. Fields! For the first time in a long time I'm sticking to my goal. Fearless with anything I do, limitless in what I choose to do, and honest in how I feel. No more riding shotgun, I'm controlling how and where my life goes. I might not end up reaching the "standardized" idea of what's considered "social norm" as quick as everyone else my age but thats fine. Let everyone else claw their way to any old profession, let everyone else sit on the sidelines while their lives follow a pre-destined path. As for me, I'm doing what I want and it's been amazing. I'm straying away from having to constantly compete with the world and I'm moving towards being content with where I am now; because I know I'll move forward. Progression is a part of life so I don't need to worry, I should just enjoy "now". I know my future is bright, whatever it may be. There's no way it can be anything other then amazing, I won't allow any less and the changes I make now are definitely going to help kick start "John's Bad Ass Life".

((((((((((((())))))))))))))))(SIDENOTE)(((((((((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))))
She's been on my mind a lot lately. I'm going to pursue her.

its a little harder then just your average six step.

dusting off the deezy chucks and getting back into my bboy shit!

what ever happened to the future?

its really funny how at one point in my life whenever i thought about the future i didnt think about a specific job, or a specific place. I didnt even think about me performing a specific task. I remember back to a time, when all i thought about was walking down the isle, with you. There were no people, there was no place, there weren't even doors that we came from. It was just a vast sea of white and us. John __ and Kath____ V_____ (come on, im not gonna post all the nitty gritty out there like that). At the time I couldnt understand why thats all i thought about, or even why our wedding seemed so bland...monotone..white. Now that i think about it though, maybe thats how its suppose to be. Just two people, walking hand in hand towards destiny, each other. The world around them didn't exist, because they existed inside each other, for each other.

Actually, i guess you could say i did think of a specific job, my job, or what it would say on my business card would be: professional aficionado of all things kathy. The specific place would be: deep in the most inner chamber of her sacred heart, and what tasks would i have to perform you ask? well, my only task would be to love you forever.

man, if i could just turn half the sappy, cheesy stuff i write into a book...i'd probably make bank! im sure there are other hopeless romantics out there just waiting to read how they feel on a book published by someone else. right?

I still believe in first love, which means i still believe in you.

a long time ago i promised i'd always love you.
a long time ago you promised you'd always love me.
a long time ago we were just young kids stuck in a never ending text message conversation.
it might have been a long time ago, but for my heart those moments never seem that far away.

i remember walking a mile in the middle of the cold night, just to see you.
i remember making fun of your socks, and your billabong hoodie.
i remember how you stood me up on the first date we never had.
there are so many random things about us that i remember, and i wouldn't have had it any other way.

so here's to heaven.
here's to "i love you" a million times.
here's to breaking up over Romeo + Juliet.
here's to getting back together through email a few hours after breaking up over Romeo + Juliet.
here's to never having that first date, and not needing it...

Here's to feeling your love, without ever touching your hand. I know we were miles away, but at one point our souls found a way to each other. We managed to form a bond, of love, of friendship. Truly my first love, the only one for me. The that won't get away. After all these years, you've never missed a birthday. No matter how much distance came between us or the new flings in our lives, we always managed to still feel that spark for each other.

I'll love you always.

Keep your head up kid, things will get better..

Ive always considered myself an individual that acts before calculating the factors of a situation. When asked whether i was the jumper or the pilot flying the plane my usual answer without hesitation would be jumper. I like to think im a free spirit, a pseudo-renaissance man of sorts. An open minded individual, fearless in what i do, ready to attack anything bringing me injustice. No words too harsh, no obstacle too hard and certainly no girl too unreachable. The world is my clay, ready for me to mold any which way i see it fit and the possibilities are endless. I wanted to catch lightning in a bottle, to write inspiring words that moved hearts, yet; somehow it seems like ive reached a wall. A giant brick wall layered in cement, reinforced with steel, and fitted with level to drone guns...whatever those are. Why? Why can't i seem to figure out what's wrong with me? Why does life seem so bland, so unfunny..


I can't seem to get past the rigmarole of sorting out all this emotion. I know everyone has these moments of insatiable boredom, and im no different, but; usually ill have my moment and then go do something that will completely whip the meloncholy away from my slate. Now though, I cant seem to find that "thing", no matter what i do, im still bored. With life, with people, with everything! I tried being more open, not that i wasn't already upfront to begin with,i tried changing my look by getting a mohawk, i even tried doing something i've never done before (stand-up comedy) and yet nothing has satisfied me. I haven't felt this way in a long time, not since Van and I parted ways.

fuck man....maybe im just bugging out, im sure something great is coming. You can't be this far down and not have something spectacular pull u right back up. I mean after all, i believe life goes in a pattern of ups and downs. Your only brought down so that you can have a reason to be brought up.

ITS SO HOT!! MILK WAS A BAD CHOICE!

its 5 in the morning...i just woke up...my room was freezing from the AC at night but somewhere along the line it just got super hot so now im sweating like a fat kid. somebody's a playin dem tricks, i reckon!

((()))((()))SIDENOTE((()))((()))
This is what i drank last nite.





+






yea it was a bad idea...my mouth was burning for literally the whole night!

ok im going to try n go back 2 sleep, or at least lay around until i get bored and come back to the interwebzz.


stay classy-

PPPEEEEPPPS!!

just bought 8 boxes of Peeps. time to get on that fatty status :D

List:
2 boxes Pink bird peeps
2 boxes yellow rabbit Peeps
2 boxes purple bird peeps
2 boxes yellow bird peeps (classic, a must!)


ohh hey here's some music to get fat to!


HAPPY EASTER!!!!

Church isn't what it use to be..

just got home from church, man its not what it use to be. Maybe its just because im in north carolina. I remember being a kid in jersey n i use to enjoy going to church. Everything seemed more welcoming, the church was nicer, bigger, and the community as far as the people attending were definitely a lot more willing to embrace. Now when i go to church here, i end up just leaving early. the services are dull and nothing about what the priest says captivates me anymore. Then i have to see punkass Marvo and all those other two-faced hypocrites that use church as a front. I know im not a good guy, i know im a sinner, i know sometimes when i do bad things i have the logic to stop and i dont, but; at least i admit it, at least i know where i stand. I dont do fucked up shit and then do that whole god camp bullshit. I dont pretend to be all holy, because im not. I have my beliefs and my understanding of god and his word. I know as long as i have that, im ok, because if i can live with it then i know god must be ok with it as well. Fucking Marvo and all those other douche bags though, they make me sick. Maybe thats why i cant stand being in church anymore, i always see one of them and i just come to the realization that for some people church has become just a facade. They go just for the sake of going, so people will see them and say "wow, look at that marvin, he's such a good kid." Then once they leave they go back to their sinful ways, thinking "its ok cause i went to church."

man i cant wait to get out of north carolina, this place is stripping me away of all the traits that made me awesome.

o0 well, im gone by next year.

until then, FUCK MARVO!

-stay classy guys

Rednecks are shifty as hell

ok so i just got back from a party in sanford....wat the fuckkkk?! why are rednecks so grimey?! seriously world, i need to know. well i hope your comfortable, cuz a john story is coming up.

sanford nico extended an invited to go to this kid's going away party tonight. I of course went, met up with sanford nico, phil, hash, n louis. We chilled for a bit, n then headed out. Got to the party, it was actually pretty sickkk. Man those girls down in the middle of nowhere loves guys like me apparently all they have down in the boonies are rednecks, wiggers, and dirty ass black dudes. Ok so i meet a few girls and its looking like a good night, i definitely had all the intentions of banging it out with u brooke (not that ull ever see this tho!).
THEN out of no where a parade of hillbilly rednecks show up, like literally these kids were so backwoods it wasnt even funny. One guy had on nothing but overalls n boots! ok soo fuckin we're like watever we'll let these kids do their thing. The girls were kinda creeped out by them too so they stayed with us. I guess after awhile the hillbillies realized the girls werent into missing teeth and stories of tractors so they decided they'd talk shit and make fun of us "city boys"; even tho i was the only person from a city at the party!

ok so long story short, a huge fucking brawl broke out. Huge as in, almost the whole party. everyone made it out ok tho, except hash.....but ill give it 2 him tho, he's a champ, he decked the biggest redneck there.....but then got thrown through a glass window. So yeaa.. we heard the word "gun" n decided this wasnt a party we wanted to see through to the end.

anyway, aside from the cut on my elbow im actually more pissed that i had 2 drive all the way back to durham!!

yea so how was your night?



**SIDENOTE**
o0o yea on a super secret side note... i stole one of the rednecks car keys n threw it in the woods

DAM! talk about snake in the grass

dam man, some people are so shifty sometimes!

here i was feeling so good after my morning shpeel and then i actually meet up with said person for tacos and i find out she's talking to 3 other guys?!?! how can a human being be so ok with contorting other peoples emotions?! like my previous post before, if fate can be manipulated its definitely bullshit!! im such an idiot for thinking you were something amazing. you're just a lowly person and what's worse is you know you can cause misery to people willing to make you priority one, yet; ur completely content with being triflin! i genuinely thought u were something more, i wanted to make you my world, but a world with you is not a world i want to live in. So, you suck, fuck you, and i hope you get gangbanged by 6 big black guys.

***SIDENOTE**

on a good note, i found my copy of Voices of a Distant Star and its reminded me of my love for Makoto Shinkai's work. Ive got some catching up to do, apparently he's had a few things come out since Voices.

Ok im serious this time...

ok i really did meet a girl this time. I know most of you are thinking, "here's another John story" well...FUCK YOU! its gonna be another john story, but a good one! just like all my other ones.. :)

No but seriously, have you ever had one of those moments where you meet someone, assume they're of the common populace..and then.. BAM! your hit with a ton of bricks, this person who you assumed was so common was in fact 1 in a million, and not only that. SHE WAS YOUR NUMBER 1 IN A MILLION!!! it only took a few small instances; a joke here, a conversation there, maybe even an exchange of smiles from time to time; but thats all i needed, i always thought that the way people interact during those small moments of insignificances are what truly expose a person. When you're just conversing, plain and simple. Not "spittin game" or whatever it is these young kids call it today, but just talking; not even realizing your becoming a part of something bigger. My heart's pounding just typing, and im smiling so hard now that i realize how much i truly want to make her smile. If i could just do that for a living, things would be perfect.

Well loyal fans, now that you know the good news. Here's me being a debbie downer...kinda...

Im not gonna pursue it. She's talking to someone at the moment, and i cant take away something so amazing from someone else. I have no idea who she is talking to, but if she has an interest in him; then he must be a good guy and i cant deny someone the opportunity to find true happiness. She embodies happiness, and where ever she goes flowers will grow and the sun will shine. :)

Its ok tho, thats life! Maybe one year she'll be with someone, and the next year ill be someone and so on and so forth; but someday things will be just rite and that perfect moment will be worth waiting a million years for.<- (i stole this from the office, but kinda changed the words up btwclick me to check it out!)

so...to the beautiful girl that will one day be the love of my life, I hope i see you soon :)


stay classy-

Is that a paintbear.....yes...a paintbear...

Man Takashi Murakami is a madman! i love his art, and my mom has gotten really into the LE Louis Vuitton collection. definitely a must that you guys take a look at more of his work.

Who was she?

today i saw one of the most beautiful girls i have ever seen in my entire life. She came up like the sunrise, and left as quickly as a flickering light. I dont care, it only took a moment. I heard her speak and from that moment I knew I wanted to be with her. as she walked away in those boots I clearly remember saying " thats the girl, the girl im going to spend the rest of my life with."

--- see how easy that was to sound so cheesy and poetic?! mannn i gotta be careful! some1 mite confuse me for a heartbreaker :P

Gravy on my cake?!

Yesterday i was watching the food network and they were talking about "sweet gravy", this intrigued me so I did some research and found a recipe! I tried it out this morning and poured it on some left over pineapple cake my mom made, and dammmm its good as hell. The best way to describe it would be like imagine a vanilla ice cream sauce.
Here's a link to the website where i found the recipe, i think the next time i make it ill add hershey's chocolate syrup to the finished product and see how that goes.

Sweet Gravy

damm all this talk is making me hungry for more! i mite have to go make some, but while im making the deliciousness here's some music to stay classy to

UMF!!!!

fuck i completely forgot about UMF! dammm!!!! i didnt even plan for it at all!! its ok...ill get it next year!
what im missing out on!

I guess being asian isnt all that bad

so i just saw Ong Bak 2 and damm tony jaa is a baddd man! this picture doesnt even come close to showing off the badass-ness of the movie and yes he broke through the pot, grabbed the dudes throat but im not gonna tell u what he does with said throat. ok go watch it now.

stay classy till next time

Early Morning Thoughts

Ok so maybe 9:15am isnt that early to some people, but it is to me! I actually woke up at 7 cuz i had to drop off a buddy at the airport. good note, i got mickey Ds breakfast! :) i havent had that in like forever. bad note, I have no idea what to do this early!! 400 channels and nothing is good on TV, i cant go back to sleep, and i JUST let my xbox live account expire!! well i guess ill review something on here, lets see how it works out.

ok so lately ive been going back into my old addiction of shoes. its terrible... but not really... and although ive been fiending mostly nikes, the Reebok Shaqnosis are one of the few exceptions. They arent that special as far as shoe structure goes, i mean u cud buy a pair of AND1s that literally have the same shape. What makes the shoe so desirable aside from the fact that its a kickheads collectors item, is the unique design that anyone will notice a mile away. One look at these shoes and anyone who grew up in the 90s will think back to days when the big man was breaking backboards and blocking the lesser of his kind. I had a pair of Shaqnosis when i was younger and ill tell u rite now, these are some comfortable ass shoes! i dont really remember how comfortable they were per se, but i know i wore the fuck out of them. I played ball in them, ran around in them, and wore them through many a snowdays. Very durable! Well, i definitely hope to find a good pair online somewhere, ill keep u guys updated on my hunt!

until then, stay classy

Finished!

ok, so i just finished posting all the " Greatest Story Never Told". I know its unorganized and short, but i enjoyed writing it and it was a great way to vent. so dont be a douche bag and tell me to learn how not to suck at writing!

Endlessly//Story Time 4

Late at night you called on a phone,
We talked about the day,
When you found out he was cheating.

the lyrics echoed through his ear...Jim continues to listen on..entranced..

And I know I've always just been your friend,
But if you look my way,
I'll make sure you'll never hurt again.

his heart stops..

Do you know I exist, just to promise you this,
Endlessly to be true to you,
And if you answer my prayer,
I cross my heart and I'd swear
Endlessly to be true to you,

his brain stops..

And in my sweetest dream,
You've learn to put your faith in me, endlessly,
Sometimes the thing you need,
Is the one thing you can't see
If you put your faith in me,
How beautiful you and I would be.

his lungs stop..

And if you'd only see
How beautiful you and I would be, endlessly

his pain stops...

just then everyhing stopped for Jim; the crying babies, the fat guy at the video store, the couple sharing an ice cream, the world...it all stops..except one thing... Jim's smile never stopped for one minute. Just then he hears in the most angelic voice God has ever created " thats our song, it makes me think of you and i wanted to dedicate it to you." Where was it coming from? Jim looks at his phone, bewildered..like a deer caught in the midst of an oncoming car. Those 10 numbers meant somethng, they were the keys to communicating with an angel. He smiles again..and replies "thanks vicki."

This was routine now, Vicki called Jim, Jim called Vicki..eitherway they were always on the phone or holding hands. Although the "Normal People and official Rules for dating" handbook official sanctioned them as still just friends, they became inseperable, neither one cared about titles. The only thing they cared about was the undeniable fact that they had each other. No matter what kind of luggage from the past the two carried they never changed their feelings towards each other. This was truly the rescue Jim needed. Just months ago he was at his wits end, barely above water when from the mist a savior came in a "dinky white toyota avalon" boat and pull him up from the murky doom he was so ready to accept.

It was now the time for Jim to do his part. He knew he needed to ask her the most important question of his life. The "do or die" moment as they say. He had dreamt about this moment for so long, he was ready. Locked, Stocked and full loaded. He prepared himself, he was going to ask Vicki to not only be his girlfriend..but he wanted Vicki to know that he intended on making her the only girl he ever said "i love you" to.

Here he goes...out of the water, and into the fire...

::::Part 5 coming soon!:::::

**Disclaimer** Dont be a douche and copy my writing :)

The End of the Story

Ok soo fuck this, im not gonna write this fucking story anymore, im just so disappointed, discouraged, n fucking angry how certain people who were the inspiration of one of the characters turn out to be such a failure. Its soo fucking funny how things turn out n i dont wanna think about it anymore or care.

but ill leave this,

its something we read together once, a long long time ago

10th grade

As I sat there in English class, I stared at the girl next to me. She was my so called "best friend". I stared at her long, silky hair, and wished she was mine. But she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. After class, she walked up to me and asked me for the notes she had missed the day before and handed them to her. She said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I wanted to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

11th grade

The phone rang. On the other end, it was her. She was in tears, mumbling on and on about how her love had broke her heart. She asked me to come over because she didn't want to be alone, so I did. As I sat next to her on the sofa, I stared at her soft eyes, wishing she was mine. After 2 hours, one Drew Barrymore movie, and three bags of chips, she decided to go to sleep. She looked at me, said "thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Senior Year

The day before prom she walked to my locker. My date is sick" she said; he's not going to go well, I didn't have a date, and in 7th grade, we made a promise that if neither of us had dates, we would go together just as "best friends". So we did. Prom night, after everything was over, I was standing at her front door step. I stared at her as she smiled at me and stared at me with her crystal eyes. I want her to be mine, but she isn't think of me like that, and I know it. Then she said "I had the best time, thanks!" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Graduation Day

A day passed, then a week, then a month. Before I could blink, it was graduation day. I watched as her perfect body floated like an angel up on stage to get her diploma. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't notice me like that, and I knew it. Before everyone went home, she came to me in her smock and hat, and cried as I hugged her. Then she lifted her head from my shoulder and said, "you're my best friend, thanks" and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

A Few Years Later

Now I sit in the pews of the church. That girl is getting married now. I watched her say "I do" and drive off to her new life, married to another man. I wanted her to be mine, but she didn't see me like that, and I knew it. But before she drove away, she came to me and said "you came!". She said "thanks" and kissed me on the cheek. I want to tell her, I want her to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love her but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why.

Funeral

Years passed, I looked down at the coffin of a girl who used to be my "best friend". At the service, they read a diary entry she had wrote in her high school years. This is what it read: I stare at him wishing he was mine, but he doesn't notice me like that, and I know it. I want to tell him, I want him to know that I don't want to be just friends, I love him but I'm just too shy, and I don't know why. I wish he would tell me he loved me! `I wish I did too...` I thought to my self, and I cried.

"Night"

something random and stupid i thought of last nite.. lol i would have put it up but i was a bit impaired at the time {{SKEEZERSSS :P}}

As the world sleeps,

My mind awakens like a locomotion,

taking thoughts-to letters- to words on blank sheets,

more commotion,

the silence of the darkness fills the room,

my favorite noise,

i embrace her,

she fills me with cessation,

her only thought,

to consume the illumination,

like fluid, the darkness makes its way towards me,

hungry,

ready to engulf the shape created by the opaque glow of a computer screen,

this is my night,

a constant battle between shadow and light,

a microcosm of success and defeats,

as the world sleeps.

****COPYRIGHTED****

I found my Angel // Story Time Part 3

so there she was..alone..in a room full of faces, a sheet of bodies. From the moment i saw her, i couldnt help but be drawn to her. We caught eyes, and at that moment... she smiled the most beautiful smile I've ever seen. From then on all i could think about, all i could muster up, every ounce of me thought one thing..."perfect". It was like a dream, NO, better then a dream..cause dreams eventually fade and at some point must end...this was something more. The stuff dreams dream of being. For the first time in my life i wanted to embrace life and at the same time i wanted to end it, end time..keep this moment forever. Right away she notices me, we approach each other slowly. I still cant believe i was afraid. I've never been afraid of conversation with a female, but for the first time...i was scared. We come face to face, she's more beautiful up close and an amazing smell lingered around her; like an aura of divine grace. I try to be cool. "Hi my name is Jim". She smiles, and replies in the cutest voice i've ever heard "Hi im Vicki". She was an angel, and i knew i needed her....

"Get your head out of the clouds kid"// Story Part 2

As they would say, nothing in life ever comes easy; applying for college isnt easy, running a 10 mile marathon isnt is, and telling a girl you have nothing in common with that you think the world of her sure as hell isnt easy! "Imagine waking up everyday knowing you're bound to see something you can never have. It's as if your living life behind a glass window, and whenever you try to get pass the window it gets thicker and thicker. Fate is only a river's cross away, unfortunately there's no bridge to be found." "Dammit Jim, get your head out of the clouds!""Fuck is wrong with you man? You sound like a fuckin emo!" Of course you would never understand,you're more concerned about what's "in" rather then what you feel "inside". When there's something you hate, you hate it...when there's something you like, you like it... but its not that easy. It's never that easy. For some people life is just a car idling, but for others its one transmission problem after another. The farther and farther you get, the more distant and secluded you feel, you wanna push forward but you're reluctant. why? Cause the gripping lips of fear tell you otherwise, they tell you to get your head out of the clouds and stop analyzing life. Which in some cases is good, a true and happy life is that lived without boundaries, but; only a moron would go about not analyzing every situation. There are too many paths and outcomes. "So i'd rather keep my head in the clouds, it gives me a better view on the world from the heavens, and ill feel like i know exactly where i need to go when i get back down" --Jim

It was a cold night, definitely not a night for a party... but none the less, filipinos loved to gather. Jim generally didnt go 2 such things, his "white-washed" attitude filled him with disgust at the idea of going to a place full of "FOB{fresh off the boat}" filipinos and having to cater to girls he had felt no absolute attraction for. Dont get me wrong, he sure as hell loved being filipino, but let's just say it wasnt his "scene". This particular party though, it was at a close close close close family friend's house, and at the urging of one of his good filipino friends Jim decided to bundle up and head out. Jim feels no different, just another place to make an appearance to...say hi, eat food...drink here and there..leave...standard routine.

He gets there, its the usuals, except this time...there are two girls in the kitchen playing cards. Jim decides, why not..."hey". They smile. He begins his usual conversation methods. {Lets get it straight before the story progresses, though Jim maybe confused about life, I never said he wasnt social, in fact..he was quite known for being very good with communicating with the opposite sex :)} After awhile, he decides they're on the boring side and progresses to the garage to greet the men. Nothing new. Time flows by, slowly... Jim finally feels like its time to be heading out, when all of a sudden...she walks in

PART 3 Coming soon...please don't copy and/or redistribute this poorly told story with its numerous grammatical errors...thats a douche bag move!

****COPYRIGHTED****

Story Time Part 1

you know, instead of talking about how my week is or what's being going on in the life of [john] i think i'd much rather tell a story... im more in a "story telling mood" anyway.

its about a guy, and what story wouldnt be complete without a girl...now we need a timeframe, lets say...here and now...ok soo all we need is a place and some names! how about, the story takes place in north carolina and we'll call the boy jim and the girl Vicki. works? sure.

Now this story should be just like every other "boy-meets-girl" story out there -rite- boy meets girl, boy loses girl, sad sad sad, better better better, happy ending.. good? nahhh how about:

This is the story of Jim, Jim isnt like every1 else...sure he goes through all the same ankst and dilemma's that a normal teenage boy goes through.. but he's lost. Not Deep Space 9 lost, just "lost". From the world, from reality, from love, ...from himself... Now everyone at his age goes through a stage when realization hits and they dont know what comes next..thats lost.. but Jim seems to be worse. It seems like everyone else is paddling through the oceans of life in a row boat while Jim struggles to stay above water. Of course there are people that have it worse...starving children, abused individuals, and hoodrats.. but what did Jim know about them? just because he wasnt in that situation didnt mean his troubles were any less... pain is pain... as Jim would put it " when the hurt takes you to the point where you cant take being alive anymore, then it doesnt matter what caused it..ur pain is as serious as any other."

So there goes Jim, floating by life, letting the debris of livelihood drift past him no urge to pull anything in, embrace life, just getting older.. a vessel..watching the world pass... until one day.. he met Vicki, and from there on out... life no longer drifted pass Jim.

Part 2 coming soon! i gots to get some shitsss done

*Disclaimer- by choosing to read this, you agree to not reprint any of the following passages for personal gain and/or claim the property as an original work..dont be a douche

Prologue....sort of...

Im gonna be posting the story i was working on b4, i kinda ended up but its ok, here's the little lead up to the story:

Just Like Heaven

have you ever met some1 so amazing that you couldnt help but fall for them? and i mean the kind of falling where you don't even care where you land cause you know they'll be there no matter what. the kind that lasts forever but happens in the blink of an eye. I think i've found her..only problem is:

(lol n there's always a fucking catch dammit!)

i cant be with her, and i really mean I CANT BE WITH HER the reasons are probably endless, but mainly cause it'll complicate the hell out of things and by this i mean family-wise, our "group" wise, and because of promises and bonds that ive made. I wont get too into detail, but damm mann, if it were only as easy as saying "i love you, be with me.." but i guess it never is huh?

*********************SIDE NOTE************

i havent written in this shit at all! i keep forgetting! ive been soo busy! well actually, not really... n im suppose 2 be uploading videos dammit! lol of Franklin St after UNC won, of titus n nico's performance, n just other shit!! well ill probably get 2 all that eventually

*********************************************

ok, on second thought, i think i mite tell her... i know itll never turn out rite, n i know itll probably be bad n shitt...but wateverr if anything i can always run off to the philippines n live on the beach lol godd dam i miss the philippines!

Eye Candy

Im Alive!

well, i decided to come back to this site, after my blog on friendster crashed for the gazillionth time, soo in the next few weeks ill be busy sorting thru my random friendster blogs n transferring them over here. what will i be transferring over u ask? my stories, and other assorted goodies i feel i need. In the mean time, look at the yummy pair of kicks i plan on getting! OMAR SALAZAR ZOOM SB!